


Broken Toys

by LessonsFromMoths



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Angsty Chikara lol, Asexual Ennoshita Chikara, Bisexual Tanaka Ryuunosuke, Canon Compliant, Chikara is a lil bab who hurts, Friends to Lovers, Gay Akaashi Keiji, Implied Asexual Bokuto, Internalized Acephobia, M/M, Never Have I Ever, Not in close detail, Past Rape/Non-con, Rarepair, Tokyo Training Camp, ace - Freeform, boys being dorks, coming to terms with yourself, implied anxiety and depression, we love him anyways
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:54:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24898756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LessonsFromMoths/pseuds/LessonsFromMoths
Summary: Sex-repulsed asexual Ennoshita watches all of his teammates talk about sex nonstop, including his crush and good friend, Tanaka. It’s a harsh reminder that guys like him never get the guy.
Relationships: Ennoshita Chikara/Tanaka Ryuunosuke, mentioned Kinoshita Hisashi/narita Kazuhito, mentioned daisuga - Relationship, mentioned tsukkiyama
Comments: 30
Kudos: 280





	Broken Toys

**Author's Note:**

> Despite being ace, I've never written an explicitly ace-centric character or story!! I feel like it's definitely time. I wanted to try my hand at EnnoTana because I love this ship sm! Sorry if anyone is ooc, this is my first EnnoTana fic! 
> 
> Warning: a bit of self-hate and internalized acephobia. Like, some of the things Chikara thinks might be really triggering to my fellow ace friends, so be gentle with yourself. We have a happy ending to look forward to, though.
> 
> Before we get started, say it with me: Not all asexuals!! Asexuality is a spectrum, and what describes one ace may not describe the other!! In this fic, I have made the two aces incredibly similar; however, it is not always like this. Not all asexuals are sex-repulsed! Not all asexuals are aromantic! Some of them are, of course, but not all asexuals! (In this, Chika is a sex-repulsed, gay, romantic ace! Just in case you wanted to know.)
> 
> Not beta'd, im so sorry lol Chika's head is an absolute mess.

“Those idiots aren’t going to be able to get their shit together in time,” Kinoshita quipped, watching as Tanaka and Nishinoya both snored on top of their books. 

“Have a little faith,” Narita bumped his boyfriend’s shoulder lightly, returning to his own book after sending an amused glance towards the wing spiker and libero. “Ennoshita can knock some sense into them.”

Ennoshita, oblivious that they were murmuring about him, was also drooling on top of his homework. The poor guy deserved a break, he had been hounding Tanaka and Nishinoya for weeks, helping them get their schoolwork organized and staying up until the wee hours of the morning to help them study. Kinoshita and Narita did their best to help, but they weren’t near as intimidating as Ennoshita could be, especially after the sheer lack of sleep the guy had been getting. 

As if he knew that they were talking about him, Ennoshita mumbled something unintelligible before opening his eyes. The amused faces of his best friends stared back at him, and he managed a glare before having to put it on hold to stifle a yawn. “What time is it?” He asked. 

“Seven,” Narita said mildly.

Ennoshita’s eyes widened and he stood, walking over to the other sleeping second years. Kinoshita didn’t have time to blink before Ennoshita was smacking the backs of their heads, causing the volleyball players to shoot up in their seats, moaning and complaining. “Get it together! Your exams are in two days and if you don’t pass I’m going to take your spots in Tokyo,” he threatened, voice smooth and cold. There was no hint of a lie. 

Tanaka and Nishinoya must have heard it too, because they immediately murmured, “Yes, Captain,” before turning back to their books.

“And stop calling me Captain,” Ennoshita grumbled, a sentiment he had kept repeating all semester. “I’m a bench-rider.”

“But you’ll be captain next year,” Tanaka pointed out.

“Will I, now?” Ennoshita asked, an eyebrow raised. “There’s plenty of other second years suited for the role.”

Tanaka looked at Ennoshita as if he were ridiculous. “None are as well suited for it as you,” he said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Tanaka turned back to his textbook, grumbling about English, so he missed the look on Ennoshita’s face. Kinoshita definitely didn’t though. His friend unfroze and went back to his own book, but Kinoshita didn’t think he’d be able to erase Ennoshita’s awe-struck, pleased expression from his mind for a while. A quick glance at his boyfriend told him that Narita was thinking the same thing. Hmm. Interesting.

“Don’t plot, Hisashi,” Narita whispered to him, low enough that the others couldn’t hear.

“Now why would I do such a thing?” Kinoshita’s eyes were flicking between his friends. Something was going on, and he was determined to figure out what.

They had done it. Somehow, Tanaka and Noya had both passed their exams, allowing them to join the bus going to Tokyo. The same couldn’t be said for their first year duo, who both had actual tears in their eyes as the bus pulled away without them, but Chikara was sure that they would find a way to rejoin them as quickly as possible. Tanaka had maybe told him about Saeko-san agreeing to drive them to the Tokyo training camp once they finished their alternate exams. 

Chikara, who had been driven around by Saeko-san enough times to know that he never wanted to be in her car again, wondered if that morning was the last time he would ever see Kageyama and Hinata alive. Tanaka, for what it was worth, looked unbothered the whole bus ride and their first practice match. Hinata’s and Kageyama’s absence meant that Narita and he got to play a lot more, but that fact didn’t stop Chikara from almost collapsing in relief when the two first years burst through the gym doors, faces a little green but eyes burning with a fire. 

“No need to look so relieved, Ennoshita,” Tanaka slapped his back and slung his arm around Chikara’s shoulders. “I told you they were gonna be just fine.”

“Yes, you did. With Saeko-san driving, I think my worry was justified,” Chikara mumbled, his skin burning where Tanaka was making contact with it. 

“This is proof that you should listen to me more often, I’m just sayin’,” Tanaka continued, not noticing that Chikara’s heart rate was pushing 100. He was maybe three seconds away from passing out when Daichi yelled at the team to focus on the game again and that they could greet their kouhais later. Tanaka huffed a laugh, his breath tickling the side of Chikara’s face, before sliding away. Chikara’s back had never felt so cold. 

It was different at the training camp. Everyone was closer, not only physically, but emotionally too. Being around your teammates 24/7 either brought you together or tore you apart, and Daichi and Suga refused to let the latter occur, so as the hours wore on and as they kept losing they all found their bonds strengthening. Chikara didn’t mind it. He really liked his team, liked them so much that he didn’t mind having to do the punishment dives every time they lost, or run up and down that damn hill, no matter how tiring. And then there was the fact that they all shared one big room. 

This left many opportunities open that hadn’t been available to them at training camps before. Namely, party games. Of course they didn’t drink or do the accompanying party activities (and their games were usually fairly quiet due to the fact that the Nekoma team room was on the other side of the right wall), but to stave off the boredom before falling asleep they participated in games of Truth or Dare, Never Have I Ever, and cards. The games were allowed by the third years (who Chikara had been sure would shut them down) because apparently the games encouraged “team bonding.” It felt like something straight out of a shoujo manga. Not that Chikara read those. Often. 

It was their first night when Noya annoyed them into playing Never Have I Ever. A popular party game, they all sat in a circle and held up 5 fingers. It started out tame enough, but after one time round the circle (Chikara was missing one finger, for Hinata’s “Never have I ever been to a party”) the statements started getting a bit more... _risque._

“Never have I ever swam naked!” Noya said, which honestly surprised Chikara. He watched in horror as all the third years put a finger down. Noya opened his mouth to ask, but Asahi quickly took his turn.

“Never have I ever fallen in love.” A few fingers, but not many. 

“Never have I ever tried to suck my own dick,” Tanaka shot a look at Noya, who pouted and put his finger down.

“Not fair, you’re singling me out!” Chikara also noticed that Yamaguchi quietly slid one finger down, as did Hinata. 

Chikara’s turn. “Never have I ever kissed my best friend,” he said. Narita, Kinoshita, Suga, Daichi, Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, Noya, and Tanaka all put a finger down. Daichi was down to one.

“What the fuck, you guys?” Noya looked shocked as he looked around the circle. “The fuck you playin’ at, Ennoshita?” Chikara merely shrugged, enjoying his success.

“Daichi and I are dating. I don’t know what everyone else’s excuse is,” Suga said pointedly. 

“Um, also dating?” Kinoshita gestured towards himself and Narita.

“What! No way!” Hinata said, eyes bright. 

“Dumbass, they’ve been together the entire time we’ve been on the team,” Kageyama said. 

“What about you two?” Noya turned to the first years who had put their fingers down. Yamaguchi turned a deep red color, but Tsukishima merely stared back. 

“What about us?” Tsukishima asked, looking bored. Noya wisely stepped back from that fight.

“Well what about you and Tanaka?” Daichi asked, looking amused. 

“We were just curious,” Noya shrugged. Tanaka nodded.

“Was curious to see if we were gay,” Tanaka said.

“The verdict?” Suga asked, looking as if he already knew the answer.

“A hard maybe.”

“Okay, my turn,” Kinoshita stepped in. “Never have I ever harbored a secret crush.” His eyes locked with Chikara’s, and in that moment he loathed his friend deeply. He put down a finger, trying not to make eye contact with anyone else, but found a few more fingers going down, including Hinata (which…?? The kid wasn’t able to keep a regular secret, it was a surprise that he had had a secret crush), Kageyama (made sense, the setter was a bit too awkward to talk to a crush about his feelings), Yamaguchi, Asahi, and, surprisingly, Tanaka. 

“This is giving me so much ammo for Truth or Dare,” Noya grinned wickedly. 

“Alright. My turn,” Hinata said. “Never have I ever done it with a dude.”

“Well I’m out,” Daichi sighed, slapping his thighs and standing. “I’m gonna get a drink from the vending machine, anyone want anything?” A few members of the team also put fingers down, with Suga, Yamaguchi, and Tsukishima only having one finger left. 

“Never have I ever done it with a girl,” Kageyama parroted, looking a little pink in the cheeks. A few fingers went down at that one, leaving Noya and Asahi with one finger as well. Ennoshita felt a little embarrassed with his three fingers in the air, especially when little Yamaguchi left the circle before he did. 

“Never have I ever hooked up with a stranger,” Asahi said. Tanaka put a finger down, and Suga left the circle to find Daichi. 

“Never have I ever watched porn,” Tsukishima said boredly. Noya was out and everyone else except Chikara was down to one finger. 

“Never have I ever used a lame pickup line on someone,” Chikara said. Goodbye, Tanaka. 

“Never have I ever played in a volleyball game longer than five consecutive points,” Kinoshita smirked, revelling in watching everyone except his boyfriend, himself, and Chikara put down their last finger. But now Chikara was down to two, and he was sure his friends were going to try and take him down. Luckily, he had one that would get them both. 

“Never have I ever laughed so hard milk came out of my nose,” Narita grinned, and Chikara rolled his eyes as he put down a finger. The three of them were all down to their last one. 

“Never have I ever been on a date,” Chikara ended the game swiftly and smugly, making Narita and Kinoshita stick their tongues out at him.

“Is that really true, Ennoshita?” Noya asked curiously. 

Chikara nodded his head, cheeks reddening a little. “Yeah. Uh, never been the right time I guess.” 

“Aw, our future captain is shy!” Noya put him in a headlock, ruffling his hair fondly. “No worries, Ennoshita. We’ll help you get a lovely lady or gentleman by the end of the year,” he said.

“Please, help me,” Chikara reached out to Narita and Kinoshita, who just laughed. 

“Live a little, Ennoshita!” 

“Alright, alright,” Daichi said from the doorway, and Chikara blushed at the thought that his captain heard everything that had been said. “Stop harassing Ennoshita. We have an early morning tomorrow, and if you all aren’t ready by 7am I’m making you do extra suicides.” 

That got everyone moving. They were all on their mats and the lights were out within five minutes. Chikara could feel Tanaka, whose head was near his, roll towards him. “Hey. There’s no need to feel embarrassed or anythin’,” he whispered quietly. A few mats away, someone was snoring. “To tell ya the truth, I haven’t been on a real date either.”

Their position on the mats reminded Chikara of their first year when their friend group would sleep over at each other’s houses (usually Chikara’s) almost every weekend. They would have a busy night of video games and movies before everyone passed out: Noya first, then Kinoshita and Narita, until finally it was just Chikara and Tanaka, whispering late into the night about their dreams and favorite animals and which color would hate them if colors were sentient. 

“Thanks, Tanaka,” Chikara whispered back, voice so soft that he himself could barely hear it. “Goodnight.”

“Night, Ennoshita.”

Something Chikara had always been aware of was the fact that the world seemed to revolve around sex. That much was obvious, as made clear by their game the other night. Their media, their educations, and their lives revolved around the inevitability of sex. As a teenage boy, it was all his friends could talk about. Didn’t mean it still didn’t make him uncomfortable.

“Okay, but like, if you could only pick one celebrity to have sex with. Who would it be?” Someone from another school was asking the Karasuno table. Chikara was steadfastly focusing on his breakfast, wishing he wasn’t there. Or maybe wishing he could think of an excuse to leave without it being weird that he had just sat down. 

The other guys started mentioning boobs, and he clenched his teeth. They talked about how good it would feel to fuck that one woman from that action movie and his face drained of blood. They boasted about how their previous sexcapades would compare, and Chikara felt the small amount of food he had managed to choke down revolt violently in his stomach. He shoved another orange slice in his mouth as he ignored the feeling. 

It wasn’t like he didn’t want to talk about sex. Hell, he wished he could. But the thought of sex...of engaging in something like that with another person….It wasn’t so much the thought of sex that made his stomach turn, just the fear that everyone around him would find out that he wasn’t like them.

Look, Chikara’d known for a while he was different. When everyone else started talking about girls (or in Kinoshita’s case, guys) in a way that was no longer Disney-appropriate, he knew that something was wrong with him. He knew that everyone around him wanted to fuck anything with legs, to put it crudely. And he was angry that he didn’t feel the same. Who was it that was wrong? Because what he was feeling didn’t feel wrong, but to everyone else it seemed to be. 

And then he heard the term. Asexual. Sex-repulsed. And he had gone through the stages of grief as he had tried to rationalize it. 

Denial - being asexual wasn’t real. It made no sense. He figured, maybe if he tried sex it would be fine. He would like it. Maybe he was just being a pussy about it, you know? He tried to rationalize his feelings, and figured they would go away once he lost his virginity. He was wrong. He had fooled around with a guy during a summer training camp (accepting he was gay was pretty easy - he couldn’t imagine being with anyone but a guy) and had ended up crying and gagging his way through mutual handjobs. So, yeah. Denial? Didn’t go well because there was obviously something wrong with him.

That led to anger. The one thing every human was supposed to have -- a sex drive, a reason to procreate -- and he didn’t fucking have it. Was he even human, then? Was he deserving of love? He was so mad. Mad that he had been made this way, that he couldn’t change the way he felt, that no one else understood what he was going through. Chikara wanted to scream. 

Bargaining. He couldn’t even count the number of times he prayed to a god that may or may not exist. He begged God to make him complete. That if he made him normal, he would always do his homework. Or become a doctor. Or devote his life to spreading the word of God or whatever. But God must not have been impressed, because nothing worked. 

And depression. He thought he was still kind of stuck in this phase. Who could ever love someone who wouldn’t give them sexual pleasure? When Chikara and the faceless boy from training camp had been messing around, he liked the kissing and the hand-holding. But once the other boy had started touching him sexually, he had wanted to jump out of his skin and burn the memory of his hands from his brain. Who would ever want that in a partner? Would they be able to deal with it, like training camp boy? Would they just shush him when he started sobbing and tell him that it was okay to cry, now touch me here, boytoy? 

There was no easy way to say it. He hated himself. He hated himself because he was broken, and no one wants to love a broken toy. 

“Why does it have to be sex? Can’t we like, hang out with them for a day or something?” Hinata’s voice was confused. 

“Dude, sex is like, the most intimate thing you can do with another person! Why hang out when you can have sex?” Tanaka said offhandedly, shoving a bagel into his mouth.

Chikara felt like he might throw up. There was a pit in his stomach that grew with every word Tanaka spoke, and he knew he couldn’t sit there anymore. Chikara abruptly stood, smiling at Narita when his friend furrowed his eyebrows in concern and then walked to the bathroom as fast as he could without raising alarm. 

Once he got there, he promptly kneeled in front of a toilet and retched, losing anything that might have made it to his stomach that morning or had been leftover from the night before. Goodbye, orange slices. Goodbye, lukewarm oatmeal. Hello, rice and chicken that barely looked like rice and chicken still. He threw up until there was only bile, and he leaned his forehead against the cool porcelain of the toilet, breathing hard and wishing that he could just be normal for once. Honestly, who heard their teammate (but let’s be honest, Tanaka was so much more than a teammate) talking about how sex was better than hanging out and then got physically sick from it? 

Losers. 

Broken toys.

After a few games, they had an hour or so long break where Chikara had to get out of the gym and away from everyone. If he had to endure another one of Kinoshita’s worried glances or Narita’s lingering back pats he was going to lose his shit. 

The gyms were surrounded by a lot of great running trails, as well as open fields and a few ponds, all of which were surrounded by shallow rows of trees. In other words, it was perfect for going on an angsty private walk. 

Chikara wasn’t stupid. He knew that he had a big, gay crush on Tanaka. He had known it since the day they met in the Karasuno gymnasium as first years, when Tanaka had introduced himself as the future ace of Karasuno with a self-assured smirk and a warm handshake. But he also wasn’t naive. Even if Tanaka was gay, too, one fact remained: guys like Chikara didn’t get the guy. Especially not guys as charismatic and well-liked as Tanaka. 

Guys like Tanaka were automatically paired up with similar cool people. They had cute girlfriends that packed them perfect bento boxes for lunch and thoughtful boyfriends who they swapped coats with as they walked home. They stole kisses between classes and locked themselves in storage closets after school ended and hid in club rooms with condoms tucked in their pockets. 

They didn’t bother with guys like Chikara. Despite his best efforts, Chikara had a Resting Nice Face that he couldn’t turn off, resulting in him always having a stupid-looking smile on his face. He wasn’t impulsive or thoughtful, he wasn’t one to skip classes, he hated sharing his clothes, and the thought of getting dirty in the clubroom made him feel uncomfortable. The whole team changed in there, and he didn’t think he would ever be able to stop thinking about the rest of his teammates. 

Tanaka was beautiful in his impulsiveness, was incredible in his love for others, and was a source of strength, even in his times of weakness. He was magnetic, he was Jupiter and Chikara was just one of the many moons that orbited him, pulled in by his enthusiasm and love for life. 

Guys like Chikara were meant to stay put in the background. He was there to support Tanaka, be his friend, help him study, make sure that his grades stayed high enough to keep him on the volleyball team. Maybe it was self-deprecating to feel that way, like he was a supporting character in his own life, but compared to guys like Tanaka, he was. And that was fine. He could live with that. He didn’t need to be some hero who subbed in at the last minute to save their team from ruin. Hell, it would be preferable if he wasn’t that hero. He just wasn’t written for that role, and it was fine. He wasn't supposed to be the guy Tanaka fell in love with.

But it still hurt more than it should have to know that Tanaka agreed.

“Ennoshita-san?” 

Chikara startled out of his thoughts, turning to see Akaashi-san sitting on a bench by the pond. He and Akaashi had struck up a sort of mutual admiration at the beginning of the camp because of their ability to deal with the dumbasses around them, read: Bokuto and Tanaka. Also, it had been nice to reconnect with Akaashi - they had taken lessons from the same instructor in Tokyo before Chikara’s family had moved to Miyagi, and the two of them had always been friendly.

“Oh. Hey, Akaashi-san. I didn’t see you there,” he chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck self-consciously. 

“You looked pretty deep in thought,” Akaashi said, raising a single perfect eyebrow. Objectively, he was a very pretty man, and it definitely intimidated him. 

Chikara smiled sheepishly. “Yeah. Volleyball, you know?” Akaashi somehow raised his eyebrow higher, until it was flirting with his hairline. He looked properly unimpressed, and Chikara felt his shoulders deflate.

“Ennoshita-san.” Akaashi scooted on the bench until there was a good-sized spot next to him. He looked at the spot and back at Chikara, who took the hint. He sat. “Here,” Akaashi handed him a juice box that he had definitely produced out of nowhere. He took it while staring at the other boy, trying to figure out where he had been hiding the juice. 

They sat in silence for what must have been at least five minutes, Chikara sticking the juice box with the straw and slowly sipping it. It was some kind of fruit punch flavor. 

“So are you going to tell me what’s bothering you?” Akaashi asked.

“Nothing’s bothering --” The words died in his throat at Akaashi’s withering look. He sighed. “Look, as much as I appreciate the juice, we’re not exactly close.”

“Don’t you think it might be easier to tell a stranger? Someone who is completely objective, who you might run into maybe one more time on a national stage and never again?” He chuckled, his usually stoic face breaking a little. “I get it, okay. I recognize that look on your face, and I know that your problem has nothing to do with volleyball, and maybe everything to do with a certain teammate.”

Chikara whipped his head towards Akaashi so fast that his neck cracked. “Shit,” he groaned, rubbing his neck. “How did you know?” 

A bitter smile graced Akaashi’s lips as he looked out at the serene pond. “I know a little something about being in love with an insufferable wing spiker.” 

Chikara startled at that. He couldn’t imagine someone as beautiful or cool as Akaashi getting caught up in unrequited crushes. Well, except for the fact that if he was talking about Bokuto-san, then it definitely wasn’t unrequited. “But aren’t you two--?”

The setter shook his head. “Maybe one day we could’ve. But he was scared. Wouldn’t tell me why. And anything that could have been...vanished.” 

Akaashi told it as if it was an old folktale, as if his own life was so far removed from Bokuto’s rejection that it hadn’t even happened to him.

“I’m sorry, Akaashi-san, but I don’t know exactly how this is supposed to make me feel better.” If someone like Akaashi didn’t have a chance, how in the hell could Chikara hope to gain the favor of someone as blindingly bright as Tanaka Ryuunosuke? 

The other boy settled his eyes on Chikara. “Because in this situation, I am Tanaka-san, and you are Bokuto-san. I’m not the one who’s scared. Neither is Tanaka. But something is bothering you about the whole thing.” 

And, wow. Chikara hadn’t even told him that it was Tanaka. Was he really that obvious?

He stared down at his shoes. “I can’t give him what he wants.”

“That’s stupid. How are you going to know what he wants if you never ask him?”

Chikara leveled his eyes at the setter, getting angry. He didn’t know anything. “No, I mean it. He’s said what he wants, and I can’t give it to him.”

Akaashi didn’t look impressed. “Did you ask him what he wants, or did you just assume?”

Chikara stood, his frustration and annoyance manifesting physically as he yelled at Akaashi. “He explicitly said that he wants a relationship with sex! In front of everyone! And that’s one thing I can never give him,” he tore his eyes away from the setter’s, suddenly vulnerable. His eyes were glittering with an emotion that Chikara was sure he could never understand. “I’m a broken toy, and no one wants to deal with that.” He didn’t mean to say that out loud. 

Akaashi stood too, his gaze icy. It made Chikara want to pull on a jacket despite the nice weather. “I would give anything for Bokuto-san to just ask me what I want. Relationships are not one-sided, Chikara. If he was willing to make it work, I would give him anything he wanted.” He turned away. “But Bokuto-san won’t let me. You’re not broken, Ennoshita-san. You’re just a coward.” 

And with that the dark-haired setter walked away, his hands clenched in fists at his sides. Chikara was left standing there, stunned. Stunned that Akaashi had called him by his first name, stunned that he and Bokuto-san apparently had a lot more in common than he had originally thought, stunned that Akaashi thought that he stood a chance with Tanaka. Or maybe the other boy had merely been projecting. Just because Akaashi was willing to compromise for Bokuto didn’t mean that Tanaka would do the same for Chikara. Chikara didn’t even know how he’d begin to ask that of Tanaka. To ask him to commit to him, but never have sex with him. To suffer through an entire relationship without sex. It seemed like much too big of an ask.

He groaned and fell back onto the bench, head in his hands. Romance was a lot harder than movies made it out to be.

In a movie, the main protagonist -- pining over someone he’s sure could never love him back -- would agonize endlessly over their crush while they slowly but surely found more ways to hang out with them. A funny situation would have them working together towards a common goal, in which the love interest would be able to fall in love with the protagonist because of their passion or their intelligence. And then there would be some misunderstanding, where they both pine and believe that the other just couldn’t be interested in them, before finally one of them accidentally engaged in healthy communication and they sorted out their feelings. The movie would end with swelling music and a kiss, and the end credits would roll.

Chikara realized that he was being the idiot protagonist right now, pining hopelessly over his best friend. If he just grew the balls to tell Tanaka how he felt, he might not feel so miserable. It’s not like Tanaka would be an asshole about it. Actually, he’d probably be incredibly nice and flattered, which would make Chikara feel even worse about his dumb crush. But the communication would at least air the weird tension that Chikara brought to their interactions. Stupid, stupid. Chikara was being stupid. He either had to get over himself and tell Tanaka how he felt, or he needed to get over this dumb crush. If you could still call it that. Akaashi had called it love. Was it?

“Oi! Ennoshita!” He snapped his head up to see Tanaka waving at him from down the path. He had a wide grin on his face. “You slackin’? Daichi sent me to find you, our next game is startin’ soon and we need to warm up!” 

Chikara stood and sighed, pasting the pleasant smile back onto his face. 

Tanaka took a step back and surveyed him, a crinkle between his brows and an oddly serious expression on his face. “What’s the matter?” He asked.

“Nothing, Tanaka,” Chikara said, trying to shove past his friend to get to the gym.

“No wait,” Tanaka stepped in front of him, blocking the path. “Somethin’s up. You can tell me. We’re friends, aren’t we?” 

“We have to get back, otherwise Daichi will yell at both of us.” Chikara tried to sidestep the wing spiker, but he followed suit. Tanaka reached out and planted his hands on Chikara’s shoulders, staring into his eyes. 

“Chikara. What’s the matter?” 

Chikara averted his eyes, turning his head towards the pond. It was pretty, with undisturbed water that looked like a large mirror. Tanaka was so close that Chikara could smell the salty scent of dried sweat mixed with the faint, always-present aroma of the Tanaka home: miso and coffee. Tanaka’s hands burned themselves into his skin, sending tingles running up and down his arms. 

“Nothing,” he said again, his voice much softer this time. Chikara was embarrassed to realize that he was frighteningly close to tears. His voice was barely strong enough to stay steady. He didn’t even know why he was almost crying. Maybe it was just that now that the object of his affections was so close, it was even more obvious that Chikara shouldn’t tell him. He didn’t deserve this strong, caring person. Chikara would never be able to give Tanaka what he needed. Tanaka deserved better. 

“You know you can tell me anything, right?” Tanaka’s voice was so soft that Chikara had to force his eyes to stay dry. He bit down on his bottom lip so hard it drew blood, which immediately made Tanaka jump back. 

“Oh my god are you okay? You’re bleeding!” Tanaka’s eyes widened as he fumbled in his pockets for what Chikara assumed was a napkin or tissue, but came up empty. He felt blood dripping slowly down his chin, and he absentmindedly wiped at it with the sleeve of his practice jersey. Tanaka grabbed him by the arm, leading him back to the gym. “We’ll have someone get a first aid kit, and they’ll patch you up,” he was saying as he dragged Chikara behind him. “Does it hurt?” He suddenly stopped, turning to look at Chikara’s lip. 

Tanaka’s calculating gaze drifted from his lip to his eyes, and Chikara felt naked with his emotions laid bare for Tanaka to see. “Don’t think I’ll forget that you were upset, okay? We’re talking later.” Chikara nodded in shame, upset that he had made Tanaka go through the effort of checking in on him. That hadn’t been his intention at all. But of course, Tanaka didn’t care about intention or first plans. He just cared about the moment, and he cared about his friends. It was what Chikara admired about him so much. 

After their last game and round of punishment, Tanaka immediately grabbed Chikara’s arm and pulled him from the gym. Chikara let himself be dragged, accepting the fact that he wouldn’t get to take a shower before dinner like he had hoped. Tanaka took him outside, settling them on the grass a few yards from one of the empty practice gyms. 

“Now, tell your buddy Tanaka what’s botherin' ya. Can’t have our future captain feelin' bad.” Tanaka wasn’t looking at him, presumably to take the pressure off. Chikara kind of wished he wouldn’t. 

“I’m scared,” Chikara blurted. 

“Whattya mean?” Tanaka looked over at him in confusion. 

“Everything’s changing so fast. Daichi started teaching me things about being captain. Things...I’m not sure I can do like him. I’m not meant to lead. And I haven’t even officially been picked as next year’s captain. I...I won’t be good enough.” Chikara hadn’t meant to divert the conversation to a different issue, but that had been weighing on his mind for about as long as the other thing had. 

“Ennoshita, you’re perfect for the job,” Tanaka said earnestly, throwing his hands around in the air as he spoke animatedly. You’re calm and collected, and ya have a real sense for the game, you know? In ways that others don’t. You can look at things objective-like. And you’re a great receiver! I like knowin’ that you have my back in the back row.” 

Chikara felt the words warm his soul, but just as quickly as they lifted him up, they darkened. “You don’t understand, Tanaka. I’m...broken.” Tanaka seemed shocked into silence at that, and Chikara refused to look at him to see his reaction. “I can never be good enough for the team, no matter how much effort I put into it.”

“Well that’s bullshit, Enno. You’re not broken.” Tanaka’s words were hard and fierce, leaving no room for arguments. Chikara tried anyway. He had to make Tanaka understand.

“I am,” he interrupted anything Tanaka was going to say. “I’m not normal. I have so many things fundamentally wrong with me that sometimes I can’t breathe,” he said, hugging his knees to his chest.

“You’re perfect, Chikara,” Tanaka said quietly. “You don’t have to be perfect. That’s what the rest of us dumbasses are here for. We can pick up anythin’ you might not be able to carry.” 

And when did Tanaka get so poetic? Chikara shook his head firmly. “No. You don’t understand.”

“Then explain it to me. I can be a bit stupid,” Tanaka grinned, his white teeth exaggerated in the moonlight. 

Chikara realized that this was it. He had to tell him, because there was no way he could function without getting these feelings out.

“I like you. A lot. And...I’ve maybe liked you for a long time.” Chikara paused, his heart breaking with every second of silence that stretched between them. He laughed, but it fell flat. “That really wasn’t supposed to be a confession. I just...couldn’t keep that inside anymore. You deserved to know. I’m sorry if I repulsed you. We really just don’t have to talk about it.”

“Chikara,” Tanaka said suddenly. Chikara ran his tongue over his split lip, focusing on the pain there instead of the pain in his chest. “I’m not repulsed. I maybe...kind of sort of like you too?”

Chikara whipped his head to his friend, who had his forearms resting on his knees as he smiled at the ground. “Kind of sort of?” Chikara asked.

“Okay, really definitely,” Tanaka amended. “I just never really thought that you might like me too.” 

“I-” Chikara’s brain short-circuited, the statement “like you too” swimming on repeat in his mind. “Oh.” 

“Oh?” Tanaka laughed, but it felt a little forced. “Is that all you’re going to say after we confess our feelings for each other?” 

Chikara looked at his friend, amusement dancing in his own eyes. “What do you want me to say?” 

Tanaka shrugged. “Maybe...you could ask me to go on a date with you?”

At his words, Chikara froze. Oh, yeah. Liking each other meant that Tanaka would want more. First it would be something innocent, like a date. They would eat ramen or get take-out and watch movies on Chikara’s laptop. Second it would be something wonderful, like hesitant makeout sessions and whispered confessions and sweaty palms. But then it would grow into something more, like having sex. Tanaka would touch him and Chikara would recoil, and he’d break Tanaka’s heart. He would poison their relationship with his deficiencies and Tanaka would leave him. 

Chikara turned away. “I can’t,” he whispered, fighting to keep his voice steady.

“Oh,” Tanaka said. “I’m sorry, I didn’t even consider that it might be hard to date a teammate--”

“No, it’s not that. I’m sorry. It’s not you,” Chikara stole a quick glance at Tanaka. “I’m sorry,” he said again.

“What do you mean? What’re you sorry for?” Tanaka asked, looking confused and baffled at the idea that Chikara was apologizing to him.

“I...I can’t give you what you want.” Chikara dug his teeth into his bottom lip until he could taste blood again. 

“What I want?” 

He held back the tears that threatened to spill over. “I’m sorry, Tanaka.” 

He expected his friend to get up and leave, to be disgusted with his cowardice. Instead, Tanaka moved closer, placing a hand on Chikara’s arm. “No, stop apologizing. What do you mean, you can’t give me what I want?” Chikara blinked back tears. “You can tell me anything.” 

He thought about Akaashi. About how angry he seemed that Bokuto never gave him a chance. He wondered if Tanaka would be similarly frustrated. He wondered if Bokuto had felt the utter hopelessness that Chikara now did, and that was why he let it go. Why he had to let Akaashi go. Would Chikara really be able to leave Tanaka without a choice, like Akaashi had been? Would Tanaka become bitter and lonely? Could he let that happen?

Chikara steeled himself. “I’m asexual,” he said without fanfare. 

“You’re what?” The grip on his arm loosened as Tanaka realized that instead of running, Chikara was going to try and take a stand. 

“I’m asexual. It means that I don’t feel sexual attraction. And...it-it’s different for everyone, but for me, I...I’m also repulsed by the thought of sex.” Chikara hugged his knees more tightly to his body. He couldn’t stop the tears this time as the memories of his attempt washed over him. “I-I tried, once. During our last training camp. And it was a-awful. And I’m sorry, Tanaka. I’m sorry I can’t give you that. And you’ll be better off with someone who isn’t broken like me, who can give you what you need.” 

Tanaka was silent, seemingly thinking his words over as the quiet of the night was interrupted by chirping crickets and Chikara’s sniffling. Then he reached towards Chikara and wiped the tears from his cheeks with his thumb, so gentle and kind. “Chikara,” he said quietly. “You know that when I say I like you, it means I like who you are? I mean, of course you’re beautiful. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone as beautiful as you. And yeah, sometimes I think about us...um, doin’ the deed,” his blush was visible even in the darkness, “but I want you to be happy. And if not doin’ that stuff makes you happy, and you’d still want to be with me? I’d take time with you over sex any day.” 

Chikara gaped at him. This man, this beautiful, kind-hearted man, was sitting in front of him and telling him that he was worth more than sex. That he wouldn’t mind being with him without being with him. “A-are you sure? What if…?” Chikara swallowed thickly. “What if you change your mind? I don’t think I’m strong enough to be in a relationship with you only for you to change your mind about sex.” He trailed off in a whisper. 

“Can I hug you?” Tanaka asked. Chikara nodded, and Tanaka looped his arms around him, hugging his side. Tanaka’s nose was pressed into his neck and Chikara sighed into the closeness. His nose was cold. 

He could feel Tanaka’s voice in his bones as he spoke. “I won’t change my mind. Do you know why?” Chikara shook his head. “Because sex isn’t the most important part of a relationship. Being in a relationship is all about compromise, right? And if you don’t want to have sex, then it’s simple. We won’t. And can I tell you a secret?” Tanaka moved his lips so that they were right next to Chikara’s ear. “I’m pretty damn good at giving myself what I need.” 

Chikara groaned, pushing Tanaka off of him as the other man laughed. Leave it to Tanaka to ruin a moment. Their moment of amusement died down quickly as they both grew bashful. “Are you sure?” Chikara asked again. 

“I’m positive, Chikara. I promise.” Tanaka’s voice was unwavering, much like his spirit. 

“Then….” Chikara moved closer to Tanaka, face burning and fingers trembling with anticipation. “Can I kiss you?”

Tanaka looked startled. “Is that okay?” His voice was awed, as if he hadn’t dared let himself hope but now that the opportunity had arrived, he wouldn’t say no.

Chikara nodded shyly. “I kind of think about kissing you a lot.” It wasn’t a lie.

Tanaka nodded eagerly, propping himself up onto his knees. Chikara closed the distance between them, placing a hand on Tanaka’s cheek and curling his fingers along the nape of his neck. Tanaka was patient, letting Chikara pull their faces together and seal the distance with their lips. 

Chikara had imagined their first kiss to be rough, enthusiastic just as Tanaka was. But it was gentle and sweet, Tanaka lingering closer to the corner of his mouth in an attempt to avoid the cut on his lip, his tongue barely brushing Chikara’s lips. Tanaka’s hands wrapped themselves around Chikara’s hips, holding him close and soft, their chests pressing against each other as they deepened the kiss. 

Tanaka pulled away too soon, his lips shiny with spit and his eyes glowing in the moonlight. “Was that okay?” He asked. 

Chikara nodded, almost at a loss for words. “That was more than okay.” 

Tanaa was grinning so wide Chikara thought his face might split. “I must be the luckiest guy in the world.” He stood and offered his hand to Chikara, who took it gratefully. 

“Then what does that make me?” Chikara asked, feeling gooey and sappy and completely loved.

“The boyfriend of the luckiest guy in the world?” Tanaka asked hopefully, leaning his head on Chikara’s shoulder as they walked back towards the dining hall. 

“I think I can live with that title.” 

Chikara was still a bit scared about the future - there was no guarantee that Tanaka wouldn't change his mind. But for now, Chikara could be okay with Ryuu’s promise to him. The two of them didn’t stop grinning until they fell asleep, mats a few centimeters too close and fingers tangled together.

**Author's Note:**

> In my headcanons Bokuto has always been ace?? 
> 
> Anyways, I know it didn't end happy for Akaashi and Bokuto, but I'm working on an epilogue that will hopefully give them closure and also delve into Ennoshita and Tanaka's lives after high school, including the burning question we all want to know the answer to: will Tanaka's hand be enough?????? (jk, it totally is enough, but i want to share with you one way sex-repulsed aces and their partners find ways to give sexual gratification to each other, so I'll be exploring that next time!!). 
> 
> I also wanted to make it clear that the interactions between Ennoshita and the faceless training camp boy were 100% non-con. Even though Ennoshita couldn't bring himself to say anything out of fear, he was not consenting. This is a common problem within the ace community - "shutting up and taking it." I hope you can recognize how important it is to get continuous consent from your partner.
> 
> Anyways thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed! Feel free to leave a kudos or comment, I respond to all comments!! xx


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